Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm 64?

Google's logo for ST.Valentine's Day reminded me of the following story I picked up somewhere on the net (could be The Onion - if not, hope I'm not infringing any copyright)

"Oh, for goodness sake," Joan, 62, said Monday after returning from the trip, a Happy Valentine gift from her daughters. "Why the girls thought either one of us would find such an experience enjoyable is beyond me."

She added: "I was planning to weed my flower bed and maybe scrub out the back sink, which is just covered in muck, but now the whole weekend's shot."

The Smiths said the unbearable ordeal began at check-in, when the reservations clerk handed the couple their keys, winked, and said, "Enjoy your stay." From that moment forth, virtually everything that occurred during the weekend induced cringes and winces from the aging pair.

"I love Joan, and I enjoy spending time with her," Robert, 68, said. "But when you're at that place, wherever you go, you know that the staff thinks you're either just coming from, or on your way to, having sex. I don't care for that kind of attention."

Thinking that "once they got settled, they would at least be able to relax," the Smiths realized upon entering their suite that there was no escape from the crippling awkwardness that awaited them. At the sight of the red plush carpeting, red light bulbs, garish neo-Victorian nudes, and ceiling mirrors above the waterbed, Robert said he began having a severe attack of acid reflux.

The retiree, whose nighttime routine includes a shower at approximately 8 p.m., said that when he saw the heart-shaped hot tub in the center of the room, his first thought was, "How am I going to take a shower in that?"

According to Joan, a complimentary gift basket on the dresser contained flowers, Godiva chocolates, passion-fruit bubble bath, body oil, condoms, and "several battery-operated 'marital aids' that I don't care to describe."

"The chocolates were good," she said. "But they were the only thing we had to eat. Was that the hotel's idea of a proper supper?"

Joan, who privately told her daughter that she has been haunted by the image of her husband's posterior ever since she saw him emerge from the hot tub Friday evening, said, "There was a film on Channel 13 that I was hoping to catch Friday night."

As the romantic weekend away from home progressed, so did the aging couple's agony.

"I could hardly sleep, which kept Joan awake, too," Robert said. "And that waterbed made Joan so seasick, I had to get up and make a 1 a.m. trip to the drugstore to get Dramamine."

On Saturday morning, the couple said they were informed that the Love Suites does not offer morning newspapers—leading Robert to spend close to an hour angrily bellowing, "What do I have to do to just get a copy of the paper?!"

"It was even worse in the breakfast dining room," Edna said. "There we were, surrounded by young couples who were all over each other, and Robert is barking at me about 'What kind of a hotel doesn't have Eno fruit salts?'"

That night, the Smiths suffered through a moonlight cruise on the lake, complete with violin accompaniment. During the cruise, which lasted for several hours, Robert said he had no way to return to shore to access the overnight bag containing his foot medication. Additionally, the couple missed their normal evening newscast.

On Sunday morning, the couple checked out.

"We've been married for 30 years. There comes a point in a man and woman's life when you're happy just to get a good night's sleep," Robert said.